Thursday, January 10, 2008

SMILE, JOKES ONLY

Yippee! Now we can have a jokes thread. See comments.

Posted by elaineb at 1/10/2008 12:58:00 PM

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8 comments:

elaineb said...

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8 Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Jan 10, 2008, 1:02:00 PM
Mike said...

Way to go Elaine

Jan 10, 2008, 1:09:00 PM
Ken said...

I can go along with a joke

can fat people go skinny-dipping?

do cemetary workers prefer the graveyard shift?

is there another word for synonym?

Jan 10, 2008, 4:00:00 PM
UCO President said...

MAN OF THE HOUSE!

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be The Man Of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'


The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess!'

Jan 12, 2008, 9:52:00 PM
UCO President said...

The Good Old Days; do the following names "ring a bell"

Well, revisit some of their Good-Old -Days humor!


Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A:(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Jan 17, 2008, 6:42:00 PM
elaineb said...

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to
approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30
feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20
feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet
away.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no r esponse.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
(I just love this)...........




" Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Jan 28, 2008, 3:57:00 PM
elaineb said...

DO NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

Jan 28, 2008, 4:00:00 PM
elaineb said...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Rachel, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Rachel, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Rachel than met the
eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Rachel and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Rachel came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle;
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days la ter, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Rachel, I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Rachel. But the fact remains that if Rachel is sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

Jan 28, 2008, 4:02:00 PM

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